I had a bit of a wobble this afternoon after a long morning of unease. I couldn't really pinpoint exactly what was causing the uneasy feeling but I definitely felt overwhelmed and frustrated as well as restricted and slightly anxious. I started trying to write down some of my thoughts but was soon interrupted by an email from a local mental health charity organisation.
Having felt really positive after hearing from them yesterday, today I am feeling the opposite. The Coordinator got back to me about my forms and due to the amount of time that has passed, I need to provide further copies as evidence for the DBS check, as well as meeting with her to talk through my experience, background and references. This shouldn't be a problem in terms of practicality but, for me, in terms of mental and emotional effort this is a challenge. I will endeavour to find the information required and agree to a meeting next week to finalise things but my BPD mind is overwhelmed today. I suppose this would be a good opportunity to explain how something like this impacts on me in comparison with someone who doesn't have a personality disorder...
...My husband (R) felt that the message received from the Coordinator via email was positive. He acknowledged that it was annoying that the application hadn't been processed immediately in October, or at least in good time so that the evidence hadn't become out of date. However, he felt that once I have confirmed a meeting time and sourced the relevant information as evidence, I would then be in a strong position to meet the new Coordinator and get started in the role.
I, on the other hand, having Borderline Personality Disorder/Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, felt that this was yet another unfair hurdle for me to have to jump.
By way of trying to cope with the situation and my feelings about it, I had a few heated words with R, stifling my tears and frustration until he left me alone to cry into my very healthy, homemade vegetable soup! I tried returning to the task of writing but the flow was gone.
For me, the email had caused me to feel overwhelmed at the prospect of having to:
a) meet with someone new
b) discuss my past and my current situation all over again
c) put physical and mental energy into finding/copying/providing DBS evidence
d) provide the details of two referees (*this one always stresses me out*)
e) attempt to 'sell myself' again.
Hopefully, from the above example it is apparent how the illness (BPD/EUPD) manifests itself and also why it is so difficult for people with personality disorders to face and tackle challenges in their lives.
I know that for me, volunteering is something I enjoy. It is also something I want to do because I know that my skills and experience are valuable and that I can help others. I know that helping others gives individuals a greater sense of self-worth (it boosts self-esteem and confidence) The benefits don't stop there. I may gain new contacts, perhaps develop friendships and it could even open doors to future employment opportunities. However, despite being fully aware of the benefits, and knowing how long I have waited for this chance to get involved within a mental health setting, I still feel completely knocked sideways at having to 'jump another hurdle'.
Often this feeling of constantly being faced with challenges to overcome is skewed by a tendency for negative thinking but it can also be due to unhealthy patterns that one has become used to in their life. By this I mean, it would be easy to simply pull back from this now and avoid having to do all of the things I have listed above. In the short term this would provide relief from the stress and pressure which the email has created but in the long run it will mean that the opportunity to immerse myself in a mental health/wellbeing centre where I could potentially thrive has been squashed before it even started. In terms of my own wellbeing, I would be reverting back to old habits of Avoidance as a way of coping instead of being brave and facing the things I find more difficult.
For today, I have been too upset to work out a plan going forwards. I will share with you an extract of a message I sent to my friend T to illustrate how I have been feeling:
" ...I can't help feeling let down and put out again...more effort on my part to prove myself again. R reckons it will be fine but my mood has dipped and I'm emotional again."
Soon after sending this message I began looking for inspiration for my next painting, #22. I knew that art would distract me from my feelings and give my mood a boost. I managed to come up with an idea and a tool to experiment with which resulted in a pretty watercolour painting. I will talk more about the painting soon.
After painting I indulged myself with an afternoon bath. We had a lovely slow cooker tea (Beef Stew) and this evening ventured out to a different beach (The Duver at St Helen's) for a change of scenery. This all helped to lift me out of my dip and I'm proud of myself for beginning to know what I need to do to help get myself back on track when I hit a bump in the road. Obviously I am aware that I have avoided making a plan today, with regards to the mental health volunteering but I have simply allowed myself some space and distance from it. It is not being avoided full stop. It is simply on hold until I feel better equipped to deal with it...which may be tomorrow.
Yoga for today was 'Yoga for the Heart Chakra'.
Updated (25/07/20):
I have now uploaded the photos of #22 so wanted to share these, as well as explaining a little more about it's creation.
This painting is a watercolour and I started and finished it within the space of a few hours. I even had it framed within a short time of completion. Perhaps this is because it was a task to distract me from a heavy weight of emotion and therefore I became completely absorbed by it, or maybe it was down to really needing to give myself a morale boost and getting something 'done and dusted' is great for that, especially for me who has a tendency to allow things to drag on and on...
So this was how my creativity kicked in...I located my watercolour pad quickly and also my paints but I needed something else to spark some inspiration. I looked in my art box but didn't find anything in particular. Then I stumbled across a 15cm whole-punched ruler (intended for use in a file/binder) which I decided to experiment with in some form to create a rainbow-effect painting. It was pretty straightforward and effective and I really enjoyed the process. The hardest part was getting it into the cheap, plastic frame from Poundland! Take my word for it...don't buy cheap! The painting was almost torn to shreds as I attempted to slide the backing board into place for the third time! This is a simple piece but it works well and all my family have given it the thumbs up! 'Annoyingly pretty' was one of the comments. I think I vaguely remember a time when people said that about me! A lifetime ago now as I sit here with way too many white/silver hairs showing through and more than my fair share of wrinkles and frown lines! Still, despite this I'm happy with myself regarding this piece; #22, Done! I've called it 'Rainbow Rain' and it certainly brightened up what was a dark day for me.
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