Today the Red Arrows did a fly past to mark Armed Forces Day. Unfortunately it was nowhere near where I live so I had to settle for seeing it on the news but still it was as breathtaking and impressive as ever.
I have had some sort of mild illness for the past week so I am totally out of sorts, not managing my daily yoga challenge, generally feeling like the art project is getting on top of me and the easing of lockdown is adding further anxiety. Yesterday the house was full of stress. I am pre-menstrual which is difficult for everyone! R has his own pressures with his online uni and virtual placements, essays and supervisions. It has meant our individual needs have left both of us feeling unsupported and not very happy. E was invited to a socially distanced BBQ in her friend's garden so she couldn't get out of the house quick enough (understandably) once it became heated and emotional here! She did hang around long enough to try and cheer her younger brother up though sorting him out with a game. Bless them, he was upset and she was concerned, so sweet.
Unfortunately, with my BPD, emotional build up and explosions such as these are sometimes inevitable. They leave me drained well into the next day, hence why I have been less than productive today.
As far as my art project is concerned, today I glued down a grand total of 13 pieces of collage onto #21 (I'd completed two painted sections yesterday).
In other glimmers of productivity I helped to dig two holes in the garden for our Echiums to go in and replanted a white rose. I also peeled and chopped four rather wrinkled apples for an apple cake. Such was my mood and energy, I couldn't even face to finish that job, hence why four more apples remain downstairs on the worktop, still wrinkled. The cake is yet to be made. I managed no yoga whatsoever and didn't even consider attempting the final painted section of #21 or a meditation...
I genuinely hope to feel better tomorrow and more able to throw myself into art, yoga and baking, although not necessarily in that order.
R took F to the beach first thing today so there was no walk today either. They also watched football at teatime with pizzas in the lounge as a treat so there was no real mealtime to speak of. I think I am craving routine again, as well as sleep and a purpose in life. I am back on that never-ending cycle of thoughts about volunteering opportunities that have either failed completely or showed potential but led me nowhere, and potential jobs/careers that I could pursue instead, fantasising about ever earning a 'decent' wage at some point in my godforsaken life and the depressing reality
that my life is in fact shit and will likely continue in this vein until I die. Crap, eh? However, my determination lives on. I am just so easily knocked off course by illness, distraction, poor outcomes, brush offs, criticism, lack of support and so on. I really hope once I'm feeling physically better and back in routine that my mood will lift, my weight will drop (I've gained 6lb in lockdown) and my productivity will resume. I so want to be useful and valued and I hate feeling so wasted and ignored! It is truly heartbreaking at times.
I will discuss this BPD moment further in a future post to highlight a bit more about how it manifests and the lasting effects these distressing moments can have on an individual and their family.
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