This morning was tough, this whole week has been actually. Today though, it has all seemed too much. I've been coping silently on my own, aside from texting some of my frustrations to T, but essentially my general state of mind has been on the decline and I've realised I'm not managing to pick myself up very well this time. I had a chat with R and a bit of a cry. I still confide in him despite our separation. I'm still living here because of lockdown so we are in close proximity every day. Who else would I turn to?! For the second time this week I put on the Nadiya Hussein Anxiety documentary. Something about the way she talks of her experiences comforts me and gives me hope, or perhaps gives me a lift would be more accurate. Today I asked R to watch some of it with me. It matters to me that he hears certain parts of her story because it validates how I feel and the struggles I sometimes face. Today I noticed her say 'People don't realise the effort it takes to paint on a smile' and that although she looks relaxed, that's far from the case. I remember writing something similar in this blog last year when I was having a tough morning and had to get ready for my NHS Volunteering. I recall feeling so upset and thinking that I wouldn't be able to disguise it...that people would see through my 'mask'.
Anyway, later on in the day today I did my Yoga For Sensitive Knees and returned to #21 to fiddle around a bit more...arghh! I'd just not felt happy with it so wasn't ready to move on. But now I think I'm there...so #22 here I come!
There has been lots of stress in the house again today. It's been bubbling up since Wednesday when E began attempting to perform her songs and dances for Theatre Train. For various reasons it didn't happen on the first attempt in her friend's garden (socially distanced!) and yesterday there were numerous further attempts which resulted mainly in tears and upset. I'm concerned that this theatre group are causing E more stress than fun at the moment so I'm really not happy. We started fresh again this morning but due to sun/shadow this wasn't up to standard. Then when the light was right, E forgot certain moves or became distracted. Cue more tears and tantrums! And that was just from me and R!!
Finally at 5.15pm the third and final video was finished and R set about sending them in. We all have to cross our fingers now and hope that the teachers deem them good enough for E to be included in the T.T Virtual Summer Show. In previous lockdown performances E's offerings have barely been included which has been really upsetting for her and definitely knocked her confidence. I take it really personally too...It's a BPD thing! Let's hope all this time, effort and stress has been worth it.
I'm feeling a bit more positive today about volunteering again. I've thought of a few new ideas to pursue so watch this space...
Comments